Good evening! Or morning, or afternoon, depending on where you're joining us from. Where ever you may be, you're here for one thing: red carpet fashion served with a side of lighthearted snark. And this is the Oscars, pretty much the biggest, plushest carpet on earth, where only the sparkliest, shiniest frocks will do. Before the stars begin their march, during which myself (RS) and Hadley Freeman (HF) will be keeping you up to speed with as much sartorial action as we can, here's a little amuse-bouche to satisfy your Oscar cravings: what do those lovely actors put themselves through to look their very best for the red carpet? Why, starvation, armpit botox and Xanax, of course. (RS)

Do you realise that in LA right now it is about 3 in the afternoon? People are dressed in full ballgowns at 3in the afternoon. Only in LA, kids, only in LA. Incidentally, if you want to see an amazing documentary about the Oscars, watch this. In the mean time, here's Slater from Saved By the Bell, a.k.a., the improbably ubiquitous Mario Lopez. Poor old Mark-Paul Gosselaar - I bet he's just spitting feathers about how things panned out. Sorry Mark-Paul (HF)

Oh look, it's the English fashion designer, singer and actress best known for being the daughter of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. Kelly Osbourne also plies her trade as a commentator on red carpet fashion, so while she's posing in this Tony Ward couture dress what you're actually experiencing is a meta fashion moment. Enjoy. (NB: A big tick for the purple rinse and coral red lipstick, Kelly). (RS)

The man with the 'who gives a ****' posture is Benh Zeitlin, who directed Beasts of the Southern Wild. (RS)

At last! Someone who's not a total desperado has arrived on the red carpet! It's that handsome Eddie Redmayne in his handsome tuxedo and what look suspiciously like slippers on his feet. Crazy, crazy kids, eh?. No word yet if he'll be sick again, as he was at the Baftas, but the night is young. There won't be any empty chairs and empty tables around Eddie tonight, that's for sure. That was a Les Mis joke, you know. I am ON FIRE tonight. (HF)

Goodness, you wait 45 minutes for a proper star to come along and up pops Jessica Chastain while we're busy fretting about whether to put Robin Roberts in the live blog. And look! She's come dressed as an actual Oscar statue! A bit of light research tells us this dress is by Armani. (RS)

Amy Adams has turned up, the lovely, marvelous Amy Adams. I'm going to be blunt here, I think her dress is ridiculous: it looks like it was designed by a five year old, the skirt looks like she made it out of dead pigeons and the colour is totally blah on this frankly gorgeous woman. Also, why is Amy's hair up? Amy's hair is amazing, it should be whipping around her shoulders like a Mills and Boon heroine. However, Amy sang this and therefore she gets a free pass with me for the rest of her life. (HF)

I don't want to knock the Guardian, of course, but I think we all know that the greatest news source in the world is the mighty, mighty E! channel, and at no time of year does the E! channel come more into its own than Oscars night. For the past few years they've been doing something called the "360 glamcam" which involves celebrities being put in a pen while a camera swoops around them, ensuring that not a single blood diamond sported by a celeb is overlooked by the public.
Now they've got something called "the manicam." What's a manicam? This is a manicam. It's this kind of attention to detail that helped the Washington Post to blitz Watergate, you know. And you thought LA was superficial. (HF)

I just couldn't resist putting another picture of Jessica Chastain in. She's like all the Golden Era actresses rolled into one beautiful package. Also, I should probably mention, she's nominated for best actress for her role in Zero Dark Thirty (RS)

The man I insist on calling Tatum Channing (actual name Channing Tatum) arrives with his lady-partner Jenna Dewan, and strikes the international pose of Proud Father to This Burgeoning Bump (RS)

My God, this little girl is so cute. I haven't quite figured out yet how to pronounce her name, and I probably won't spell it right either, but I adore her. I love that her matching dress and wrap combo looks like something that Judi Dench would wear, in mini-me size. I love that her handbag is in the shape of a Yorkshire terrier. But most of all I love her gap toothed smile and her general all round adorableness. Have fun, Quvenzhané Wallis. You are definitely my favourite nominee. (HF)

Jennifer Lawrence (nominated for best actress for Silver Linings Playbook) is having a big year, so pity the woman whose choice of craft means she has to dress up over and over again in an array of dresses she looks like she can't wait to fling on the bedroom floor. This Dior gown may be the exception: it looks pleasingly like my nan's lampshade and despite having a rigid skirt doesn't look too constrictive. The soft up-do and lack of excessive jewellery works for her, and Lawrence looks more comfortable than she has done in recent times. (RS)

Reese Witherspoon is pulling something of Winslet here, and I mean that in the positive sense. Like Winslet, she appears to have discovered her inner mojo in her mid 30s and is increasingly is dressing - 'ow you say? - like a sexy hot tamale. Remember when Reese dressed, not prim exactly but a bit girly? Now, she is taking her puppies out on the town and giving them a walk in the sun. And damn right, too, the woman is smokin'. The blue of this dress is lovely, the train is silly and the lady inside is veritably quivering with confidence. Tracy Flick, you've come a long way

If only the kid from Rushmore (AKA Jason Schwartzman) could see himself 15 years on, he'd probably hi-five himself for being able to grow that much facial hair. And the slick side parting? Nice. (RS)

I like her! I really, really like her! Gawd bless Sally Field, a far too underused actress these days. No actress can have an emotional breakdown onscreen like dear Sally and it's ridiculous she's not used more. Incidentally, can we have a big cheer for Sally for convincing Steven Spielberg to cast her as Daniel Day Lewis' wife in Lincoln when she is - gasp - a whole 11 years older than him? To put that into perspective, in Forrest Gump she played Tom Hanks' mother when she is exactly 10 years older than him. Go Sal. And by the way, while your boxy little clutch is silly, your dress shows your pretty face off a treat. (HF)

I won't lie, this Alexander McQueen gown isn't working for Amanda Seyfried, IMHO. She's all puffy-lipped, droopy eyelids sex goddess and the gown is just a bit Miss South Carolina Runner Up 1994. (RS)

The nation's favourite non-co-habiting couple always start with black and work from there. If something isn't broken, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton, then don't fix it. (RS)

"What are you looking at, darling Catherine?" "Nothing, Michael, my sweet, nothing. I'm just gazing into the middle distance with my head thrust back ever so naturally so as to show off my amazing bust, tiny waist and general physical gorgeousness." "Ah right. Foolish me. Incidentally, why the hell are you dressed as an Oscar?" "Because if someone mistakes me for an Oscar we'll get better seats at the after party. Smile for the cameras!"

Er, wow. This is the kind of get-up I hope I have the confidence (and money) to wear at Jane Fonda's age. Better get started on that lucrative line of workout DVDs then, eh? (RS)

Whoa there! So I was all set to write about Anne Hathaway's incredibly chic but uncomfortably restrictive and a bit too "hey there, I'm a modern day Audrey Hepburn with this new haircut, you know" dress. But I'm afraid she then gave me two black eyes with the extraordinary nipple protrusions from her gown so I'm now blinded and can't do my job. Thanks a lot, Hathaway.

The problem with the Oscars is that they aren't the Grammys, so you don't get obscure Euro-pop singers looking absurd or Katy Perry in an off-the-peg number called 'Do you miss this, Russell?' But you DO get 100% prime glamour, as epitomised by Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts, and that more than makes up for it. (RS)

This time last year, I was in LA covering the Oscars for this paper and, let me tell you, the red carpet you see onscreen is nothing like the red carpet that actually exists. That red carpet is about ten feet long, I kid you not, and the celebrities basically just mill around on it while bleachers of people scream at each other and camera men from E! whack them on the shoulder with their giant electrical equipment. Also, this all takes place at 4 in the afternoon. If anyone on TV tells you that the Oscars are glamorous, they're lying. The Oscars are ridiculous. (HF)

Jenny-Ani likes to keep it all American - nothing too showy, nothing too ruffled. This strapless gown works because it's simple, sophis and as bold as molten lava (RS)

Ah, Charlize Theron, you are truly one of my life heroines. I love that you don't take roles that emphasise your (obvious) gorgeousness. I love that when you broke up with your longterm boyfriend, you went out and adopted an adorable little boy because, dammit, sisters can do it for themselves. And I really love the way you are working your short hair crop. Sure, it looks a little Billy Idol-ish, but that's OK because you could go out with a sack on your head and you'd look amazing. The dress is proper old school Hollywood, the jewellery is simple and those biceps are awesome. (HF)

This is my favourite dress of the night. One of the good things about being 'small up top' is the ability to wear clothing with absolutely no support, as Les Misérables' Samantha Barks does effortlessly well, so as to show off your lovely décolletage. (RS)

Woop woop! It's a British person so wave that Union Jack! Yay! Britain, bunting, cream teas, etc etc. Anyway, it's Adele! National treasure Adele! Now, I'm going to say this most cautiously: I love Adele. I listen to Adele. I think Adele is an all round great thing. I am really not loving this miserable mess of a dress from Jenny Packham which looks like something Phase 8 might sell for a funeral. But hey, at least she looks comfortable.

But all that aside, the hair is great, the woman gorgeous and that "I don't give a toss, I'm freaking Adele" stare she is working is bloody brilliant. (HF)

Dustin Hoffman and his wife Lisa Gottsegen have arrived. Hadley Freeman just told me that Dustin once fell asleep on her shoulder at the theatre. I once nearly stood on Al Pacino in a car park. And which Hollywood movie stars have you had a close encounter with? (RS)

Oh hey everyone, it's Nicole Kidman, looking her usual natural and relaxed self. There's something so easygoing about her, don't you thin? So totally unlike a robot who has somehow cyrogenically frozen her face. A night out with Nic would be a right hootenany, I bet.
I'd hope she wears this dress because, to be honest, I really like it. Sure, it looks like pretty much every other dress Nicole has worn to a red carpet event, being a bit goth, a bit glam and extremely body clinging. But that's fine. If repetition and routine is helping you, Nicole, to recover from the trauma of your attempts at the Irish accent in Far and Away, you do what you have to. (HF)

Um, what? What the hell is going on here, then? Halle Berry, clearly one of the most gorgeous women to ever stand on God's green earth, and generally a dead cert when it comes to red carpet fashion, has come dressed as - what? David Bowie? An ordnance survey map? A nightmare from the 80s? Zool from Ghostbusters? An art deco hell hole? And what on earth is going on with Halle's hair? No, I say. No, no and thrice no. (HF)

Three years ago Sandra Bullock won numerous best actress awards for her role in The Blind Side, but all that glory she managed to cover herself in was swiftly destroyed by her then-husband's philandering ways. Now she's single and rocks up to the Academy Awards looking exquisite in lacy gowns and her former husband is in an on-again-off-again situation with a tattoo artist called Kat Von D. Sandy doesn't need anyone wearing those 'Team Bullock' T-shirts in support, she's got it locked down. (RS)

Bradley Cooper: he's a dashing chap, I guess, if you like that whole "classically handsome thing." (Personally, I prefer something more dishevelled in and old man's vintage style.) I am, however, a little disturbed by his facial hair which appears to be taking over his face, Teen Wolf style, and his hair which is either more gelled than Ross Geller's or else wet from a shower and he forgot to dry it. Have you never heard of a blow dry, Bradley? Sort it out, man! This is the Oscars, dammit!
He has a big bow tie, that Brad. You know what they say about a man with a big bow tie, right? Big bow tie, fumbly knot tying. (HF)

Kristen Stewart has turned up with her usual cob on (which we eternally love), a Valentino gown (which we are warming to) and a pair of crutches (#NHSchic). (RS)

Salma Hayek looks like they poured exactly the right amount of her into this midnight blue McQueen gown. (RS)

Hey, here's George Clooney and his beard. And isn't his beard lovely? So stylish and silvery, slim but not too slim. What a lovely beard George Clooney has. Seriously, this joke will never get old. (HF)

Watch out Daniel Radcliffe - Voldemort's arrived on the red carpet! I have nothing else to say about this, mainly because I'm scared Wendi will kick me in the face if I do. (HF)

It's being reported that Helen Hunt is wearing an H&M dress, which would admirable if she hadn't cancelled it out by wearing $150,000 worth of jewellery (allegedly), in which case this outfit just makes no sense. Also, Hadley mentioned that while interviewing Helen Hunt a while back the actor started doing yoga, which we both agreed definitely doesn't make the interviewing process awkward at all. (RS)

Yo, Ben Affleck in the house, wearing Eau de Disappointment. His tux, I believe, is from the House of I'mnotdisappointedIdidn'tgetnominated and his shoes are from Suckonmygoldenglobebeeyatches. Thank you, Ben Affleck, and have a great evening! (HF)

Daniel Day Lewis has opted for a blue and black tux with an ever-so-slightly squiffy bowtie. His wife Rebecca Miller looks exactly as you'd expect his wife to look: gorgeous, tenacious and bored of us all. (RS)

If anyone was going to do a "maverick tux", that man was always going to be Jamie Foxx. How wild is Jamie? So wild he has two x's in his name! Crazy as a fox he is, or Foxx, to be more accurate, which is even crazier. It's a little shiny this suit, and those contrast lapels are doing him no favours. But give the man a break: it's boring wearing a tedious tux all the time. Allow the man his fun. Knock yourself out with those lapels, Jamie. (HF)